“Ask Reecie” Advice Column: Who Should Foot the Bill on the First Date?
So…instead of posting long letters of folks needing advice on very specific situations…I decided to go another route and just post my advice on simple situations that pretty much everyone can relate to. I always find myself in debates with folks over life issues, so I decided to bring some of those debates to this site. So…the first question I’m tackling is simply this: who should foot the bill on the first date?
This is an issue where I’ve kind of gone back and forth about…but the best conclusion I’ve come to is that the man should foot the bill on the first date. Recently, this debate has become a much bigger issue as some men are starting to feel extra salty about having to pay for the first date and some women feel uncomfortable with the idea that a man might think she is a gold digger if she doesn’t pay. One of the main complaints I’ve heard is, “I want to know that she isn’t going out with me just to get a free meal because she is hungry”. Out of all of the possible excuses, this is by far the most ridiculous one! Unless you picked a chick up from the corner or found her in a homeless shelter, chances are she has managed to find a way to find nourishment without having to trick for a meal. Any woman with a job can at LEAST provide herself with food and shelter…or at the very least you should have enough sense to make that a litmus test for even getting to a first date. So, if you’re one of the men that has used that excuse, stop being so paranoid.
On the flip side, some women feel a certain sense of power in picking up the tab (or at least going dutch) on the first date. In their eyes it sends the message, “I can handle my own and I don’t need you to pay for this meal”. Although that sounds good in theory, it doesn’t quite translate that way in reality. On average, what a guy sees (not that I think most men will admit it) is a woman who is defensive and/or a cheap date. This makes it more likely that when a guy is just looking for a good time and doesn’t want to spend any money he will call you up because you’re the cheapest option; not because he is actually interested in you. The truth is, the fact that you are independent and don’t “need” a man to feed you should be evident in the fact that you have a successful career or at least a decent/good job; and doesn’t need to be proven by picking up the check. If a guy thinks you’re a gold digger or can’t provide for yourself because he paid for your meal, then he is an idiot.
I’m sure a lot of men would appreciate you picking up the tab, but I doubt that any man who doesn’t have a chip on his shoulder will hold it against you if you didn’t. But…should women hold it against a man who refuses to pick up the tab? It really depends on the situation. I would encourage women and men on a date to discuss their views honestly and come to a compromise instead of just writing off the other person because they didn’t pay. This will reveal your level of compatibility and let you know how the other person views relationship dynamics.
In conclusion, I must point out that this is my opinion on the first date only. I think as time goes by, each person should contribute equally or at least in a manner that is acceptable to both people. Also, you should be sensitive to a person’s financial situation and not have unrealistic expectations about them paying.
What do you guys think? Who should pay on the first the date…the man, the woman, or split it evenly? Do you think it reflects poorly on the other person when they don’t pay or offer to pay? Would you go out on a date with someone who didn’t pay for your or their portion on the first date?
Who Should Foot The Bill On The First Date? Click here to vote
Need advice or have a question you want answered? Email me at askreecie@gmail.com. I’ll dish the advice and maybe even post it on the site. All letters received will be kept anonymous.
Posted by Reecie
I believe that if you ask the person out on the date you should be expected to foot the bill, regardless of sex. The only exception is when you establish who’s going to pay beforehand. And if all else fails you could always go dutch (50/50)
I agree with Shirley, I mean; If you asked that person out, took them out to this resteraunt, you need to foot the bill, or atleast split it. If your arguing about something small like this, then the relationship probably isnt the best in the first place.
I agree with Shirley that whoever asked out for the date should be expected to pay. If the couple continues going out than it doesn’t matter who pays. If on a first date the person I asked out offer to pay, I might make a joke about it suggesting you don’t think a brother can afford to meal just to make her laugh and to convince her to let me pay. If she insist then whatever.
When it comes to a first date…I don’t think it should matter who asked who out, the guy should pay. However, a woman having to ask a man out is a good indication that he’s not that interested to begin with; which is why I think men are more gung ho for women paying in that situation.
Later on down the line…I think who pays should be discussed beforehand. For instance, if I invite a guy or he invites me to a concert with $100 seats, I’m going to establish the payment arrangements from jump. Neither person should assume that the other one is just footing the bill.
I think the dutch arrangement is okay on the first date when each person switches paying. For instance, the guy pays for dinner, the woman pays for the movie…or the guy pays for the movie and the woman pays for the popcorn. I’ve always found that to be a nice compromise. I don’t think it’s a good idea though to split the bill for dinner, then each person orders his/her own movie ticket, and orders his/her own popcorn…at that point you aren’t even on a date anymore. If there is only one activity…the guy pays. lol
Hate to look like I’m jumping on the bandwagon, but I agree with Shirley.
I don’t think a woman having to ask a man out means he isn’t interested. Why the double standard?
Well I’m not saying that it means he isn’t interested at all…I’m saying he is just not THAT interested. For example, there are some guys who are content just burning up your cell phone minutes, emails, or text messages talking to you and keeping you as a cool chick to talk to who aren’t really interested in dating you, BUT would probably go out with you if you invited them out just to not seem like a jerk.
For the most part if a guy is really interested he won’t have a problem asking a woman out (unless he has self-confidence issues or fear of rejection) on a FIRST date.
I like the “whoever asked” route, but as a man, even if i was asked out i would most likely offer to pay. But i like the approach Reecie mentioned about one paying for the movie and the other paying, to me that shows interest on both sides, and if i am the one initiating the date, i wouldn’t feel bad letting her get the popcorn
I always pay. ALWAYS. Why, why not!! I take my girl shopping from time to time. I just bought her two pair of cole haan boots just because I liked them. I took her mom and sister to dinner a few times as well who paid, im sure you can guess by now. I’m a man, men should pay, end of story. At the end of the day its only money and once you find that special someone money becomes less important anyway. I know everyone is not financially secure but one should live within their means and plan accordingly imaginative dates are always the best anyway. I know my post leans towards I may be in love, but I am not, I was raised to always pay and it has always worked out for me. Additionally if you read this and decide to follow suit do not be arrogant about it. I never mention it, I do not throw it in their face, it should never come up. I grab the bill like a man, no hesitation. I don’t expect anything in return either. This long post may seem crazy to some but I realized long ago time is fleeting so I only date women worth my time. No way would a man allow a woman he could possibly be serious about pay and he should know how he feels about her before the appetizer arrives. A woman paying for herself on the first date bananas. Women pay on birthdays and special occasions thats all.
Then again I’m Mr.O
Oh and who makes more money is irrelevant its the principle.
co-sign with g.vitte and reecie.
im el cheapo, but i will always pay for the 1st date.
Standing O for Mr. O! lol…okay that was corny. Victoria’s Secret.com has the hottest shoes for women (I just copped a pair Sunday)…just an FYI for the next time you want to get your lady some new shoes.
Anyway…Mr. Vitte…I personally like the switching off thing. I don’t have a problem paying for one of the activities throughout the night and I think it takes away the focus from how much the entire evening is going to cost and it puts it on just vibing.
I think they guy should pay on the first date, but when the bill comes out I think the girl should do a “pump fake” and reach into her purse, just to show the guy that she would’ve paid…
lmao@a “pump fake” . I’ve heard a lot of guys say this before! It’s a nice and PC gesture…but not really my style. I think it’s funny that it even makes a difference to guys.
Mr.O - Pay all the time? I’d always be broke.
I am a proponent of switching or dutch. Fair exchange, no robberies.
Mr. O may be the exception to the rule, but I think most men that offer to pay for EVERYTHING wants something in return or they are already getting something…
At the end of the day, I usually pay for about 60% to 75% of everything when I had a girl…
But I save ALOT more money now that I am single!!
lmao @ thehonorable.
I went to happy hour and paid for the first few rounds. She begged me to hang out with her friends and I was always working. They were experimenting, drinking peartinis, shit they (1) can not pronounce (2) would not order if they were spending their own money. Oh shes a pediatrician and her girl is a surgeon. I do not expect anything in return. Its not about the money and your date will realize that over time its the gesture. My intentions are good because I’m not worried about sex I know it will come. I enjoy seeing her smile and feeling secure. I learned long ago that im cut from a different cloth. (talented tenth) For starters I ONLY seriously date women who I’m captivated by. Who has time for jumpoffs thats sooo grad school.
Who has time to play?
Hmmm, how can I explain it? When I was younger I had this idea to put African American Teens through College. I had a hook up at the university and could get them in. They would bill me in small increments monthly. I researched kids who reminded me of myself and im super racist. I would meet white kids who would die for the opportunity and then I would meet a black kid who did not have the best grades, but read comics, listened to indie bands or realized Jay-Z is the best rapper ever. I’m picking them every time. I said it, you don’t think people do that all the time? Moving on, school is expensive I never factored in personal expenses so my pockets were hurting. Every year I picked a new kid who was just like me. When they finish are they grateful for my money, somewhat, but its the time we spent that matters the most. The risk, we get each other,understanding and respect is so comforting. I know I lost you but my point is, they are worth it and more. The money is insignificant. My wants are insignificant. The moment, and the memory is all that matters. Are you familiar with this (Philippians 4:12) I’m not super religious but that is my personal mantra.
So you should pay whether its the first date or the 50th.
We had a party at work today I probably would not have typed that sober.
Tanqueray 10 & Tonic
12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
“Talented Tenth” isn’t a phrase I hear everyday. It is noble that you place a higher value on experiences and people than you do on money. If it is practical for you to foot the bill and you enjoy doing so then more power to you.